White Sox Sign Shitty Player

The Chicago White Sox did their part to keep the hot stove warm enough that you could put an oven mitt on it, then come back 10 minutes later to find it mildly toasty and perhaps worthy of being ranked as a warmth, by announcing the signing of shitty outfielder Jon Jay today.

Jay, who will be making $4 million on a one-year deal, has hit .272/.340/.351 since 2015, good for an 86 OPS+; per Baseball Reference he’s been good for 2.8 wins above replacement over that time period. He is reportedly also a friend of Manny Machado, a good player the Sox are trying to sign to a free-agent deal; the signing follows up on the Sox’s trade for Machado’s brother-in-law Yonder Alonso, who also sucks ass.

Sox general manager Rick Hahn bizarrely claimed that the team had been trying to acquire the shitty player for years, unconvincingly disavowing any suggestion that he’s just filling the lineup with Machado cronies in a sad attempt to convince the actually good player that the Sox, who are bad and not worth his time, are willing to, in addition to paying him lots of money, institutionally degrade themselves to make him happy:

In other transaction news, the Sox designated shitty outfielder Charlie Tilson, who somehow ran up a -0.9 WAR in 121 plate appearances last year, for assignment. The moves follow the signing of reliever Kelvin Herrera, who has struggled with forearm, rotator cuff, and foot issues over the last two years, but claims, per The Athletic, to feel “good” and “strong.”

Disclosure: The author of this piece has been provided Gordon Beckham’s used footwear by the Chicago White Sox, and has been sent a Hawk Harrelson alarm clock by a White Sox enthusiast. His opinions are his own.