Julie Jacobson/AP Photo

No major sporting event has less betting surrounding it than the Olympics. I’m not sure why that is, but trust me, it’s true. You haven’t hit rock bottom until you’ve spent 30 minutes unsuccessfully scouring the internet trying to place a bet on a massive bobsled underdog.

If you want to know the top storylines heading into these Olympics, check out my ranking and preview of every single Olympic medal event. But if you want to gamble on who is going to win, we’re here to make that easier for you.

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Here are predictions for who will win the gold medal in every single event, ranked by how certain I am that they will win. For instance, the Germans will undoubtedly win the luge relay, while your guess as to who will win the two-man bobsled gold is as good as mine. (But seriously, if you find a place to wager on it, let me know.)

Below these predictions you’ll find the rules to play Fantasy Olympics, created by Alexander Chester. If nothing else, it will give you a rooting interest as you watch biathlon CNBC at 11:30 at night.

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Gold Medal Predictions

1. Luge - Team Relay Germany

2. Snowboarding - Women’s Big Air Anna Gasser (Austria)

3. Freestyle Skiing - Men’s Moguls Mikael Kingsbury (Canada)

4. Freestyle Skiing - Women’s Ski Cross Sandra Näslund (Sweden)

5. Luge - Men’s Singles Felix Loch (Germany)

6. Ski Jumping - Women’s Normal Hill Maren Lundby (Norway)

7. Speed Skating - Women’s 500m Nao Kodaira (Japan)

8. Skeleton - Men’s Yun Sung-bin (South Korea)

9. Snowboarding - Women’s Parallel Giant Slalom Ester Ledecka (Czech Republic)

10. Biathlon - Women’s Sprint Anastasiya Kuzmina (Slovakia)

11. Nordic Combined - Men’s Team Relay Germany

12. Alpine Skiing - Men’s Slalom Marcel Hirscher (Austria)

13. Biathlon - Men’s Sprint Johannes Thingnes Bø (Norway)

14. Speed Skating - Women’s 1,000m Nao Kodaira (Japan)

15. Snowboarding - Women’s Halfpipe Chloe Kim (USA)

16. Curling - Women’s Canada

17. Luge - Doubles Toni Eggert and Sascha Benecken (Germany)

18. Speed Skating - Women’s 1,500m Miho Takagi (Japan)

19. Curling - Men’s Canada

20. Cross-Country - Women’s Relay Norway

21. Biathlon - Men’s Relay Norway

22. Cross-Country - Women’s Individual Sprint Maiken Caspersen Falla (Norway)

23. Luge - Women’s Singles Natalie Geisenberger (Germany)

24. Short Track Speed Skating - Women’s 1,500m Choi Min-jeong (South Korea)

25. Skeleton - Women’s Jacqueline Lolling (Germany)

26. Biathlon - Women’s Mass Start Laura Dahlmeier (Germany)

27. Short Track Speed Skating - Women’s 3,000m Relay South Korea

28. Alpine Skiing - Women’s Slalom Mikaela Shiffrin (USA)

29. Cross-Country - Men’s Relay Norway

30. Hockey - Women’s Canada

31. Freestyle Skiing - Women’s Aerials Xu Mengtao (China)

32. Ski Jumping - Men’s Normal Hill Kamil Stoch (Poland)

33. Biathlon - Men’s Individual Martin Fourcade (France)

34. Cross-Country - Men’s Individual Sprint Johannes Høsflot Klæbo (Norway)

35. Freestyle Skiing - Men’s Halfpipe David Wise (USA)

36. Bobsled - Four-Man Lochner/Bluhm/Rasp/Weber (Germany)

37. Figure Skating - Pairs Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot (Germany)

38. Snowboarding - Women’s Slopestyle Jamie Anderson (USA)

39. Cross-Country - Women’s Team Sprint Norway

40. Nordic Combined - Men’s Large Hill Akito Watabe (Japan)

41. Speed Skating - Men’s Mass Start Lee Seung-hoon (South Korea)

42. Alpine Skiing - Men’s Giant Slalom Marcel Hirscher (Austria)

43. Short Track Speed Skating - Men’s 1,500m Hwang Dae-heon (South Korea)

44. Freestyle Skiing - Women’s Halfpipe Maddie Bowman (USA)

45. Alpine Skiing - Women’s Downhill Lindsey Vonn (USA)

46. Biathlon - Men’s Pursuit Johannes Thingnes Bø (Norway)

47. Bobsled - Women’s Kaillie Humphries/Phylicia George (Canada)

48. Cross-Country Skiing - Men’s 50km Mass Start Classical Alex Harvey (Canada)

49. Figure Skating - Men’s Nathan Chen (USA)

50. Nordic Combined - Men’s Normal Hill Johannes Rydzek (Germany)

51. Biathlon - Men’s Mass Start Martin Fourcade (France)

52. Short Track Speed Skating - Men’s 5,000m Relay South Korea

53. Cross-Country - Men’s 15km Freestyle Martin Johnsrud Sundby (Norway)

54. Speed Skating - Men’s 1,000m Kai Verbij (Netherlands)

55. Snowboarding - Men’s Big Air Max Parrot (Canada)

56. Alpine Skiing - Women’s Giant Slalom Tessa Worley (France)

57. Figure Skating - Women’s Evgenia Medvedeva (OAR/Russia)

58. Speed Skating - Women’s Team Pursuit Japan

59. Freestyle Skiing- Women’s Moguls Britteny Cox (Australia)

60. Ski Jumping - Men’s Large Hill Kamil Stoch (Poland)

61. Speed Skating - Men’s 1,500m Koen Verweij (Netherlands)

62. Alpine Skiing - Women’s Super G Lara Gut (Switzerland)

63. Cross-Country - Men’s 30km Skiathlon Martin Johnsrud Sundby (Norway)

64. Speed Skating - Women’s Mass Start Kim Bo-reum (South Korea)

65. Figure Skating - Team Event Canada

66. Snowboarding - Men’s Slopestyle Marcus Kleveland (Norway)

67. Freestyle Skiing - Men’s Aerials Anton Kushnir (Belarus)

68. Alpine Skiing - Men’s Combined Alexis Pinturault (France)

69. Cross-Country - Women’s 10km Freestyle Charlotte Kalla (Sweden)

70. Speed Skating - Men’s 10,000m Ted-Jan Bloemen (Canada)

71. Biathlon - Women’s Relay Germany

72. Snowboarding - Men’s Parallel Giant Slalom Nevin Galmarini (Switzerland)

73. Cross-Country - Men’s Team Sprint Norway

74. Short Track Speed Skating - Men’s 500m Wu Dajing (China)

75. Biathlon - Women’s Pursuit Kaisa Makarainen (Finland)

76. Speed Skating - Men’s Team Pursuit Netherlands

77. Cross-Country - Women’s 15m Skiathlon Marit Bjørgen (Norway)

78. Hockey - Men’s Russia (OAR)

79. Curling - Mixed Doubles Switzerland

80. Figure Skating - Ice Dancing Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron (France)

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81. Snowboarding - Women’s Snowboard Cross Lindsey Jacobellis (USA)

82. Speed Skating - Men’s 500m Ronald Mulder (Netherlands)

83. Alpine Skiing - Women’s Combined Wendy Holdener (Switzerland)

84. Freestyle Skiing - Men’s Slopestyle Oystein Braaten (Norway)

85. Biathlon - Mixed Relay France

86. Alpine Skiing - Mixed Event Austria

87. Cross-Country Skiing - Women’s 30km Mass Start Classical Marit Bjørgen (Norway)

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88. Freestyle Skiing - Women’s Slopestyle Maggie Voisin (USA)

89. Short Track Speed Skating - Women’s 1,000m Kim Boutin (Canada)

90. Ski Jumping - Men’s Team Norway

91. Snowboarding - Men’s Snowboard Cross Pierre Vaultier (France)

92. Freestyle Skiing - Men’s Ski Cross Jean-Frédéric Chapuis (France)

93. Snowboarding - Men’s Halfpipe Ayumu Hirano (Japan)

94. Speed Skating - Women’s 5,000m Esmee Visser (Netherlands)

95. Alpine Skiing - Men’s Downhill Beat Feuz (Switzerland)

96. Biathlon - Women’s Individual Darya Domracheva (Belarus)

97. Speed Skating - Men’s 5,000m Ted-Jan Bloemen (Canada)

98. Short Track Speed Skating - Men’s 1,000m Seo Yi-ra (South Korea)

99. Speed Skating - Women’s 3,000m Ireen Wuest (Netherlands)

100. Alpine Skiing - Men’s Super G Aksel Lund Svindal (Norway)

101. Short Track Speed Skating- Women’s 500m Marianne St-Gelais (Canada)

102. Bobsled - Two-Man Won Yun-jong/Seo Young-Woo (South Korea)


Fantasy Olympics Rules

Select 10 countries. The total budget for your 10 countries cannot exceed $100.

You win points for every medal earned by your countries, as follows:

  • Gold: 3 points
  • Silver: 2 points
  • Bronze: 1 point

Here is the price of each country:

USA $58

Germany $56

Canada $55

Norway $45

Olympic Athletes from Russia $43

Austria $37

Netherlands $27

Sweden $26

Korea $25 (both South and North together)

Switzerland $25

France $21

China $20

Italy $13

Czech Republic $11

Finland $10

Poland $10

Japan $8

Belarus $8

Slovenia $6

Australia $6

Croatia $5

Great Britain $4

Latvia $4

Slovakia $4

Estonia $4

Ukraine $2

Kazakhstan $1

Bulgaria $1

Everyone else $0

Albania

Andorra

Argentina

Armenia

Azerbaijan

Belgium

Bermuda

Bolivia

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Brazil

Chile

Colombia

Cyprus

Denmark

Ecuador

Eritrea

Georgia

Ghana

Greece

Hong Kong

Hungary

Iceland

India

Iran

Ireland

Israel

Jamaica

Kenya

Kosovo

Kyrgyzstan

Lebanon

Liechtenstein

Lithuania

Luxembourg

Macedonia

Madagascar

Malaysia

Malta

Mexico

Moldova

Monaco

Mongolia

Montenegro

Morocco

New Zealand

Nigeria

Pakistan

Philippines

Portugal

Puerto Rico

Romania

San Marino

Serbia

Singapore

South Africa

Spain

Chinese Taipei (Taiwan)

Thailand

Timor-Leste

Togo

Tonga

Turkey

Uzbekistan


Akiva Wienerkur (@Keev26), hosts 32 Fans, which recently had the best true crime episode of any football podcast ever.