Sentient Lacrosse Stick/Kicker Trolls Big Ten, Commits To Penn State

This here is Quinn Nordin, and today he committed to Penn State. Below, you’ll find a video he and a friend put together announcing his commitment, set to “Coming Home.” It makes no real sense in the first place—he’s from Michigan—and involving some sort of small, fixed-wing aircraft makes it even more of a non sequitur. I’m here to tell you that Quinn is a good teen, and you should admire him and his dumb, squinty face.

Look at that shit! Look at the tweets below this, flaunting garish mockups made for him by weirdo recruiting trail humpers. Get out of here, grown men Photoshopping children onto Madden covers (because EA no longer has a college football game, because if it did it would have to pay players, because it turns out the teens’ images and likenesses are valuable commodities that the NCAA was selling at no gain to the players, because the NCAA is an evil institution). Quinn isn’t just a good teen, he is a righteous one. He trolled a series of dumb coaches, over-eager college fans, and local sports radio hosts—surely a sampling of the very worst people on the planet—and even made a bunch of grown men trod out to a motherfucking high school football field this morning, only to throw that dumb video up on Twitter once they were there, thereby making their trip and assignment and basic role meaningless. This is commendable! Fuck those people. Whether or not Quinn is a little high on himself is immaterial to the global good he’s done here. This is a good teen. Good luck in your studies, and fuck Penn State. Their kickers suck anyway.