sponsors Page 7 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
He Can Eat 50 Eggs
He was smiling... That's right. You know, that, that Carl Monday smile of his. He had it on his face right to the very end. Hell, if they didn't know it 'fore, they could tell right then that they weren't a-gonna beat him. That old Carl smile. Oh, Carl. He was some boy. Cool Hand Carl. Hell, he's a ...
It Just Looks Like A Big Tylenol
Listen, kid: We've been hearing that crap ever since we were at UCLA. We're out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes....
That's The Truth, Ruth
Let us tell you the story of "Right Hand, Left Hand." It's a tale of good and evil. Hate: It was with this hand that Cane iced his brother. Love: These five fingers, they go straight to the soul of man. The right hand: the hand of love. The story of life is this: Static. One hand is always fighting ...
Booyakasha!
America national sport is called baseballs. It very similar to our sport, shurik, where we take dogs, shoot them in a field, and then have a party....
Yeah, We Just Have A Question: Is This A "God" Dam?
Hey, baby. We noticed you have braces. We have braces too....
Sir ... Do We Get To Win This Time?
Deadspin, John J. Born 7-6-47 in Bowie, Ariz.. Of Indian-German descent: That's a hell of a combination. Joined the army 8-6-64. Accepted special forces, specialization: light weapon, medic, helicopter and language qualified. 59 confirmed kills. Two Silver Stars, four Bronze, four Purple Hearts. Dis...
An Empty Desk Is An Efficient Desk!
Mistakes? We don't make mistakes. So, this is your receipt for your husband, and this is our receipt for your receipt....
You Got Your Head All The Way Up It!
Our life's a disaster zone. We got a stepdaughter so fucked up because her real father's this large-type asshole. We got a wife, we're passing each other on the down-slope of a marriage — our third — because we spend all our time chasing guys like you around the block. That's our life....
We Don't Know If There's Anything Wrong With Us Because We Don't Know How Other People Are
We didn't ask for a shrink; that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't ours. Also, we're wearing this suit today because we had a very important meeting this morning and we don't have a crying problem....
Pull The String! Pull The String!
This story's gonna grab people. It's about this guy, he's crazy about this girl ... but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn, Georgie. This is drama!...
You Can't Fight In Here! This Is The War Room!
Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face. We can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily f...
You Is Talking Loco ... And We Like It!
We hear words like "beauty" and "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features," and for us, that's like a vanity of self-absorption that we try to steer clear of....
And To Think That In Some Countries These Dogs Are Eaten
Excuse us if this is off the subject a little bit ... but just take a guess at how much we can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, maxing out at 400! Ha!...
Purple In The Morning, Blue In The Afternoon And Orange In The Evening
Soon, millions of people will see us, and they'll all like us. We'll tell them about you, and your father, how good he was to us. Remember? It's a reason to get up in the morning. It's a reason to lose weight ... to fit in the red dress. It's a reason to smile. It makes tomorrow all right. What have...
Goodyear? No, The Worst
Well, sorry, but when we see five weirdos dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in front of a full view of 100 people, we shoot the bastards. That's our policy....
You'll Find A Pair Of Safety Glasses And Some Earplugs Under Your Seat. Please Feel Free To Use Them.
You sponsors have it real easy. We never had it like this where we grew up. But we send our kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich, and you're going to stay rich. But here's our advice to the rest of ...
Don't Call Us Stupid
Our sponsors think the Gettsyburg Address is where Lincoln lived....
We Know. And Such Small Portions.
Hey, sponsors: Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? We think of us that way sometimes and we live here....