We're Still Recovering From The Raiders' Kicking Orgy

Do you like kicking? Do you really, really, really like kicking? Then hot damn, was yesterday's shitty Raiders game the game for you!

Yes, field goals are an anachronistic holdover from the game's rugby origins. And yes, there's nothing worse than 60 minutes of hard-fought action being decided by the leg strength of a 170 pound Moldovan. But, Jesus Christ, did you see that Raider kicking? If you've got a foot fetish, you're probably still orgasming over it. Lord knows we are. Sebastian Janikowski didn't need two healthy hamstrings to kick a franchise-record six field goals. Fuck you, Jeff Jaeger.

For the record, that's 229 yards of kicking. That's my walk from the subway to the office. That's $3.40 in a New York City taxi. That's as many yards as Caleb Hanie accounted for, and he was allowed to use his hands. That's some fucking kicking.

"We were like, 'Are we ever going to get a touchdown?'" guard Stefen Wisniewski said after the game. Meanwhile those of us at home were like, "Who the fuck cares? Kick some more goddamn field goals, because you've already got us soaking wet."

But, slow up. Kicking with a holder is one thing. Could the Raiders also kick the shit out of a ball in the air? You bet your sopping genitalia they could. Remember how Janikowski kicked it for 0.13 miles? Shane Lechler kicked it for more.

Eighty, motherfucking 80 goddamn yards came on this punt early in the fourth quarter. Lechler said he saw Devin Hester moving up to field it, so he decided to rear back and WHA-BAM! Do you even know what that's like? That's like Bob Beamon jumping clear to Tampico, or Roger Bannister running a marathon in less than 45 minutes. It's that insane. Seriously, look at that fucking punt. If the entire NFL were abducted by aliens tomorrow and put in some some intergalactic ant farm, and played American football on some 100-parsec field that dwarfed our solar system, that punt still would have been a touchback.

You know what's even better than two teammates making sweet, sweet foot love to the ball? Two teammates from the same draft class. Peter King calls that 2000 Raiders draft class the most impactful outside of New England, but we say, why qualify it? What the hell has Tom Brady ever done that Janikowski and Lechler couldn't kick the shit out of? Three Super Bowls? Janikowski could put your Lombardi trophies through the uprights, then we'll see who's boss. An actress and a supermodel? Lechler could physically pleasure both at the same time by showing them footage of him at practice, and get them pregnant with game footage.

My god, I just want to watch the Raiders kick the ball all goddamn day! I need a cigarette.