4/30/2012 - Amar'e Stoudemire Injures Hand In Alleged Fight With Locker Room Fire Extinguisher [UPDATE]

4/30/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Use Your Words

4/30/2012 - Brett Favre Will Have To Answer Questions Under Oath About Those Other Ladies He Allegedly Sexted

4/30/2012 - Maybe The Marlins Just Suck

4/30/2012 - Twitter Asshole Joe Cowley Had Me Fired From The Sun-Times

4/30/2012 - That Fan Who Hugged Luis Suarez Treated The Crowd To A Great Big Wanking Motion Before Mooning Everybody

4/30/2012 - "I'd Rather Drink Methamphetamine," And Other Complaints About Soccer Being On ESPN

4/30/2012 - Rain Delay Theater, Human Toilet Edition

4/30/2012 - Sometimes You're The Cyclist, And Sometimes You're The Pavement Splatter

4/30/2012 - Brock Osweiler: Sitting On Denver's Bench Is "A Quarterback's Dream"

4/30/2012 - Did Derrick Rose's Shoes Cause His Knee Injury?

4/30/2012 - Bartolo Colon Is Getting People Out

4/30/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Laz Diaz

4/30/2012 - Florida State's New Mascot Is Just The Cutest

4/30/2012 - Manu Ginobili Tries To Dunk From One Step Inside Foul Line, Fails Miserably

4/30/2012 - Steelers' First-Round Pick Mistakes Ben Roethlisberger For Travel Coordinator

4/30/2012 - For The Olympics, London Gets The World's Largest McDonald's

4/30/2012 - Better Dirty Than Humbled: The Lights Go Down On The Bernard Hopkins Show

4/30/2012 - Wally Backman Says "Fuck" 35 Times In Postgame Speech That Lasts Less Than Two Minutes

4/30/2012 - Dear Abby: Cleveland Sports Have Created An 8-Year-Old Psychopath

4/30/2012 - They Tear Down Goalposts In Soccer, Too

4/29/2012 - Early This Morning Delonte West Tweeted A Picture Of His Vomit-Soiled Clothes From The Bathroom

4/29/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: In This Charming Car

4/29/2012 - Minnesota Vikings Running Back Caleb King May Have Fractured Someone's Skull At A Birthday Party

4/29/2012 - Joe Cowley: The Best Sexist Around, Nothing's Gonna Ever Keep Him Down

4/29/2012 - London Olympics To Be Protected By Rooftop Missile Launchers

4/29/2012 - Report Card: Grading The NFL Draft Grades

4/29/2012 - Hello, Friends! A Young Jim Nantz In A Hot Tub With John Stockton And The Utah Jazz

4/29/2012 - Sunday Open Thread Smorgasbord

4/29/2012 - Chicago Sun-Times Columnist Joe Cowley Rides A Plane, Degrades Women Everywhere

4/29/2012 - Today In Free Kicks: Kyle Walker, Young-Pyo Lee Produced Two Of The Most Gorgeous Goals You'll Ever See

4/29/2012 - Yu Darvish Reps Are Going After The "Yu Is My Homeboy" Shirts

4/29/2012 - David Wells Is Selling The Signed Babe Ruth Yankee Hat He Once Wore In A Game

4/29/2012 - Colin Fraser Came To Regret Starring In Madonna's "Like A Prayer" Video

4/29/2012 - Alleged Red Sox Fan Gets Her Face Kicked At Yankee Stadium

4/28/2012 - Bryce Harper Has His First Major League Hit, Possibly Because Dodgers Fans Were Mooning Their Own Pitcher

4/28/2012 - Here's Gus Johnson Calling The San Jose Earthquakes' Exciting Last-Second Win

4/28/2012 - Bryce Harper's First Major League At-Bat Was A Comebacker

4/28/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Mellow Roll For The Flavor

4/28/2012 - LeBron James Has Ushered In The NBA Playoffs Flop Era

4/28/2012 - Here's Something You Don't See Every Day: Adam Schefter Reports Derrick Rose Is Out For The Year With A Torn ACL

4/28/2012 - New Seattle Seahawk Bobby Wagner Was In The Shitter When He Was Drafted

4/28/2012 - Witness The Last Gasp Of Local News Reporting As It Repeatedly Hits On St. Louis Cardinal David Freese

4/28/2012 - Luis Suarez Finished A Hat Trick With An Unbelievably Stupid Shot From Just Past Midfield

4/28/2012 - Derrick Rose Injured In Final Minutes Of Game 1 Win Over Philadelphia 76ers

4/28/2012 - Michigan Costumed Vigilante Arrested Following Trailer Park Brawl

4/28/2012 - May The Dongs Be With You: The Week In Unintentional Dong Submissions

4/28/2012 - Tim McCarver Blames Global Warming For The Increase In Major League Home Runs

4/28/2012 - Jeff Francoeur Gets 100th Assist Off Ryan "Doormat" Line Drive

4/28/2012 - Saturday Open Thread Smorgasbord

4/28/2012 - Reports: Matt Leinart To Sign With Oakland Raiders

4/28/2012 - Rich Eisen Went Berserk When The Jaguars Drafted A Punter

4/28/2012 - Jeremy Guthrie on 15-Day Disabled List Because He Is A Bicycle-Riding Hippie

4/28/2012 - Scott Hairston Hits For Cycle, Mets Get Clobbered

4/28/2012 - Russell Wilson's Wife Provides Us With Our Favorite Face Of The Draft

4/28/2012 - Mohamed Sanu Drafted By The Cincinnati Bengals, No Seriously—The Bengals Drafted Him Friday Night

4/27/2012 - Here's Umpire Jeff Kellogg Tackling A Streaker At Tonight's A's-Orioles Game [UPDATE]

4/27/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Love Something

4/27/2012 - Phillies Broadcaster Wanted Call Appealed, So He Shouted From The Booth And Hoped The Team Would Hear Him

4/27/2012 - After Today's Arrest, Fox Sports Detroit Has Decided To Call Him "Demon Young" Now

4/27/2012 - Northwestern Football Holds Dizzy Bat Race, With Bonus Hot Dog Eating

4/27/2012 - The Official Deadspin Youth T-Ball League Gets Ready For Opening Day

4/27/2012 - Dead Letters: "Stop Lying And Write Something Real"

4/27/2012 - Joel Ward Doesn't Blame Boston For Racist Comments

4/27/2012 - Joe Posnanski's Book On Joe Paterno Will Be Finished Before The Sandusky Trial

4/27/2012 - The Most Unwanted Tickets Of The NBA Season Were In New Orleans

4/27/2012 - Larry Brown's Bloodletting At SMU Has Begun

4/27/2012 - Feeling Goodell: Who Hugged The NFL Commissioner Longest At Last Night's Draft?

4/27/2012 - Fun With 69ing Failures

4/27/2012 - The NFL Draft, As Told By Reaction Gifs

4/27/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Lance Barrett

4/27/2012 - I-Team: Is This Randy Moss Trying To Open A Checking Account? [UPDATE: Yes, Sort Of]

4/27/2012 - Rajon Rondo, Magnificent Weirdo, Makes Every Tip-Off A Show

4/27/2012 - This 10-Year-Old Quarterback's Parents Made Him A Ridiculous Blog

4/27/2012 - Miami Heat Fan Refuses To High-Five Phoenix Suns Gorilla, Punches Him In The Face Instead

4/27/2012 - John Cusack In A Goatee? Quoth The Raven: Meh.

4/27/2012 - Some Dick Prank-Called Mohamed Sanu And Told Him He'd Been Drafted

4/27/2012 - Was This Former Saints Electrician The Source For ESPN's Wiretapping Story?

4/27/2012 - Jay Bruce Homers, Child Naps, Guy Drops Ball While Holding Napping Child

4/27/2012 - Ad On ESPN Homepage: Nothing Says Mother's Day Like The Gift Of Mel Kiper's Hair

4/27/2012 - Morris Claiborne Is The Smartest Rookie In The NFL

4/27/2012 - This Is The Face Of A Hockey Player

4/27/2012 - Delmon Young Arrested, Charged With Assault [UPDATE: Hate Crime!]

4/26/2012 - Brad Miller, Facing Retirement, Hits One Final Three, Then Cries

4/26/2012 - And Here's The Long-Awaited Unveiling Of Robert Griffin III's Socks

4/26/2012 - Texas Couple Finds Foul Ball-Snatching Charges "Hurtful," Demands Apology From Michael Kay

4/26/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: It's Heating Up

4/26/2012 - This Is Video Of A Pole Vault Competition At The Drake Relays, Which Is Held In A Shopping Mall

4/26/2012 - ESPN Party Was Awesome, ESPN Editor Reports

4/26/2012 - Asante Samuel: There Are "A Lot Of Sad Eagles Fans Over There"

4/26/2012 - A Roundup Of Figurines With Warning Labels Made Up By Deadspin Commenters

4/26/2012 - Do You Deserve That Foul Ball? Consult This Handy Chart

4/26/2012 - NFL Network's Draft Coverage Is Already Hitting Some Technical Snags

4/26/2012 - PGA Tour Lawyers Try Really Hard To Scare Us Into Taking Down Their Dumb Video

4/26/2012 - Does A High School Hockey Player Deserve Criminal Charges For This Hit?

4/26/2012 - Bobby Valentine Nearly Started The Wrong Lineup Because He Misread His Cell Phone

4/26/2012 - I Was The Child Star Of A CBS Show Who Had Two Free Throws To Win The Big Game

4/26/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Mark Carlson

4/26/2012 - Stanley Kubrick Apparently Rose From The Dead To Direct Nike's Newest Ad

4/26/2012 - The NFL Draft Has Eaten The World

4/26/2012 - Jack Black Has Overdosed On Himself

4/26/2012 - US Navy Frees Eric Kettani To Play For The Patriots

4/26/2012 - Latrell Sprewell Figurine Bought At Antique Store Packaged With Unintentionally Funny Warning Label

4/26/2012 - Kobe Bryant Makes Himself Disappear

4/26/2012 - Here's How Racists On Twitter Reacted to Joel Ward's Series-Winning Goal Against Boston

4/26/2012 - Gawker's New Commenting System Is Up And Running

4/26/2012 - Javy Guerra Took A Line Drive To The Face, Stayed In The Game, Blew The Save

4/26/2012 - The NFL May Put The Pro Bowl Out Of Its Misery

4/26/2012 - Suns Fans Celebrate The Career Of Steve Nash With A Giant Drawing Of A Penis

4/25/2012 - Worst People Ever Catch Foul Ball, Refuse To Give It To A Crying Child, Are Vilified By Michael Kay [UPDATE]

4/25/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Leave Nothing Behind

4/25/2012 - Now's Your Chance To Buy The House Rob Gronkowski Grew Up In

4/25/2012 - Larry Brown Swears He's At SMU For The Long Haul

4/25/2012 - What's Terrell Owens Up To These Days? It Involves The Phrase "I Hope You Like Anchovies, Shrimp!"

4/25/2012 - Texas Tech Football Player On Scooter Collides With Bus; Bus Gets The Worst Of It

4/25/2012 - This Is Probably The New Brooklyn Nets Logo

4/25/2012 - ITV Cuts Into Champions League Extra Time To Bring You A Very Surprised Newsreader

4/25/2012 - Devils Fan Ridiculed By Panthers President For Lack Of Twitter Followers Now Has More Followers Than He Does

4/25/2012 - Why Did Four Congressmen Vote Against Awarding Jack Nicklaus A Congressional Gold Medal? Deadspin Investigates.

4/25/2012 - Penn State Will Pay Two PR Firms $2.5 Million To Help School "Rebuild Trust"

4/25/2012 - Former NFLer Found Guilty Of Having Sex At Gunpoint With 15-Year-Old Babysitter, Despite His Claim That She Was Totally 16

4/25/2012 - Our Experts Review The Yankees' New Cologne, The $50 "Justin Bieber Of Scents"

4/25/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Gerry Davis

4/25/2012 - Kevin Garnett's Injury Can't Keep Him From Videobombing Reporters

4/25/2012 - A Monumental Day For MLB, As Pirates And Rockies Debut Historic 26-Man Rosters

4/25/2012 - Oh Look, Another Way To Exploit College Athletes

4/25/2012 - Sage Steele Did Not Appreciate Steve Weissman Suggesting She Flirted With Wes Welker

4/25/2012 - For Interfering With That Foul Ball The Other Day, Matt Geiger Got Called An Asshole By An Old Woman In A Wheelchair

4/25/2012 - Scenes From a Marriage, But Longer And With Fart Jokes. The Five-Year Engagement, Reviewed.

4/25/2012 - Bill Polian Is Talking Out His Ass

4/25/2012 - Adorable Dog Wins Stupid Contest At Reds Game

4/25/2012 - New Era's "Chicago Vs. Chicago" Spot Is Actually Set At A Hoboken Bar

4/25/2012 - The Jaguars Desperately Want You To Believe Everybody Loves Ryan Tannehill

4/25/2012 - The Dirty Secrets Of A Sports Arena, As Revealed By A Drunk Stadium Employee Emailing Us At 5:30 P.M.

4/24/2012 - The Nets Can't Wait To Get The Hell Out Of New Jersey

4/24/2012 - This Video With A Bunch of Brawling Young Men Is "A Goddamn Lord Of The Flies Snuff Film"

4/24/2012 - Rich Bros' "Ragematch" At Elite Athletic Club Leads To Arrests, Shame

4/24/2012 - Watch This 28-Year-Old Latvian Pull Off An Insane Basketball Shot

4/24/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Breathe

4/24/2012 - How To Make A Pipe Out Of ESPN The Magazine's Stupid Weed-Panic Issue

4/24/2012 - Nets CEO Says Team Will Be Good Next Year Even Without Deron Williams

4/24/2012 - Fernando Torres's Goal Drew Orgasmic Moaning From Gary Neville

4/24/2012 - BREAKING: Has Jose Canseco's Twitter Account Been Deleted? [UPDATE]

4/24/2012 - What The Avengers Means For The Future Of Comic-Book Movies

4/24/2012 - The Saints Couldn't Have Benefited From Wiretapping? Really?

4/24/2012 - High School Pitcher Throws Rare "Perfect" Perfect Game

4/24/2012 - John Terry Was Sent Off From The Champions League Semifinal After Pulling A Metta World Peace

4/24/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Ed Hickox

4/24/2012 - ESPN Writer Has The Protocols Of Zion On His Bookshelf

4/24/2012 - Who Gave Magic Johnson HIV?

4/24/2012 - More Interesting Than Watching A Royals Game From Behind Home Plate: Books

4/24/2012 - Jason Bay Is Bad At Defense And Also At Not Hurting Himself

4/24/2012 - How A White Person Gets His Hair Cut In America Today

4/24/2012 - Do You Wear Board Shorts or Swim Trunks? Either Way, You Need New Ones

4/24/2012 - Buzz Bissinger Is In Our Office And He's Taking Your Questions In The Comments

4/24/2012 - The Best College Football Play Of The Year May Have Happened In A D2 Scrimmage

4/24/2012 - Here's A Horrifying Robert Griffin III Sculpture Made Out Of Subway Sandwiches

4/24/2012 - Youth Baseball Coach Arrested After Allegedly Arguing With Umpire, Threatening Parent With Gun

4/24/2012 - Here's Deion Sanders's Estranged Wife's Mug Shot

4/24/2012 - Janoris Jenkins: "Where In The Book Does It Say You Can't Have Kids?"

4/24/2012 - Tony Allen's Fake Pass Was Some Harlem Globetrotter-Type Ish

4/24/2012 - Chien-Ming Wang Holds Press Conference To Apologize For Cheating On Wife

4/24/2012 - SNY Is Now Trolling Its Own Audience

4/24/2012 - Tonight's Weather Forecast Will Not Be Seen Because Our Set Has Been Invaded By Bears

4/23/2012 - Andruw Jones Used A Rangers Fan As His Outfield Toss Warmup Partner Tonight

4/23/2012 - Pudge Rodriguez Threw Out Tonight's First Pitch From Home Plate To Second Base

4/23/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Jabber Away

4/23/2012 - Deion Sanders Called The Cops On His Ex-Wife, Who Tried To "Jump" Him, And He Live-Tweeted The Whole Thing

4/23/2012 - Nobody Wants To Do Hard Knocks Except The Jaguars, And Hard Knocks Doesn't Want Them

4/23/2012 - Buzz Bissinger Will Be Stopping By Here Tomorrow To Talk About Friday Night Lights And Whatever Else You Have On Your Mind

4/23/2012 - Child At Royals Game Is Handed A Foul Ball, Promptly Throws It Back

4/23/2012 - The D Train Is Off The Rails: Dontrelle Willis Goes AWOL From Orioles' AAA Team

4/23/2012 - Saints GM Mickey Loomis Accused Of Eavesdropping On Visiting Coaches

4/23/2012 - Gus Malzahn: "I Run The Exact Same Offense I Ran In High School"

4/23/2012 - Bristolmetrics: The NHL Received Twice As Much Airtime As The NFL

4/23/2012 - Fox Sports Detroit Reporter Videobombed By Tongue-Wagging Texas Rangers Fan

4/23/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Vic Carapazza

4/23/2012 - Are You Ready To Dance To The Music Of Caroline Wozniacki? (Features Dog, Tennis Ball)

4/23/2012 - The Entire Kingdome Visitors' Dugout Is Available On eBay

4/23/2012 - Tiger Stadium Turned 100 This Weekend, Too

4/23/2012 - This Drunk Lady Keeled Over In The Aisle During A Mavs Game

4/23/2012 - Hunter Accidentally Shoots Girlfriend, Says He Was Aiming For Hog

4/23/2012 - Panthers Somehow Blame Devils Fans For Ruining Rat-Throwing Tradition

4/23/2012 - John Tortorella Uttered Just Six Words During His Entire Media Session Yesterday

4/23/2012 - Why Did We Ever Think Ron Artest Was Interesting?

4/23/2012 - Reggie Evans Was Not Elbowed By Metta World Peace, But He Flopped Like He Was

4/23/2012 - Vancouver Fans Quietly Shuffle Home Without Bothering Anyone

4/23/2012 - NJ Troopers Under Investigation For Escorting Brandon Jacobs's 100 MPH "Death Race"

4/23/2012 - ESPN's Infinite Big Board Shows You All The Upcoming NBA Games, Forever

4/23/2012 - Fox Sports Arizona Did A Text Poll Asking Who's The Best In The NL East, And They Listed Every Team Except The Mets

4/22/2012 - Former NBA Big Man Matt Geiger Was "Relocated" From Tropicana Field For Interfering With Carlos Peña On A Foul Ball

4/22/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Bring The Rain

4/22/2012 - Stalker Sends Olympic High Jumper Ariane Friedrich A Picture Of His Genitals, She Outs Him Via Facebook

4/22/2012 - Metta World Peace's Elbow Waged War On James Harden's Head

4/22/2012 - It's Official, World's Dumbest Criminal Found After Trying To Sell Weed To His Old Parole Officer

4/22/2012 - Extra, Extra! Read All About It: Tom Brady Dressed Liked A Weirdo

4/22/2012 - Italian Soccer Match Delayed When Fans Demand Players Hand Over Their Jerseys

4/22/2012 - Today In Jose Canseco Tweets As Motivational Posters: Hunger

4/22/2012 - Here Is Another Gruesome Aussie Football Leg Injury

4/22/2012 - Richard Marx Goes Yard Off Dennis Eckersley, Chicago Cubs Win World Series

4/22/2012 - Sunday Open Thread Smorgasbord

4/22/2012 - Penn State Offered To Rename Beaver Stadium After Joe Paterno So His Family Would Not Sue The School

4/22/2012 - Manchester United Blew A Two-Goal Lead With Ten Minutes Left To Hold Open The Premiership Door

4/22/2012 - Ray Easterling, First-Named Plaintiff In NFL Concussion Suit, Committed Suicide

4/22/2012 - Red Sox Fan Really Wants You To See His Nipple

4/22/2012 - Bobby Valentine Should Be Fired: A Collection

4/21/2012 - Twins Prospect Reggie Williams Doesn't Hate Gay People, He Just Wants To Know Why There Are So Many Of Them These Days

4/21/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Good To Go

4/21/2012 - Philip Humber Has Pitched Major League Baseball's 21st Perfect Game Of The Modern Era

4/21/2012 - Bubba Watson Continues Charming The Pants Off Everyone, Has Custom Green Jacket Made For Infant Son

4/21/2012 - Fox Sports Announcer Thinks He Is Interviewing Canucks' Ryan "The Guzzler" Kesler But Is Really Interviewing Kevin Bieksa

4/21/2012 - The Ninth Inning Of Today's Mets-Giants Game Was About The Worst Ever

4/21/2012 - Penn State Admits Official Fired Earlier This Week Was Fired For His Role In Sandusky Investigation

4/21/2012 - Today In Jose Canseco Tweets As Motivational Posters: Baseball Smells

4/21/2012 - Hair Of The Dong: The Week In Unintentional Dong Submissions

4/21/2012 - "Fake Ass White Boys:" A Brief History Of MMA Trash Talk In Advance Of UFC 145

4/21/2012 - Florida Beat Georgia Last Night On A 16th-Inning Walkoff Strikeout

4/21/2012 - Umpire Greg Gibson Took A Stephen Strasburg Fastball To The Crotch

4/21/2012 - Aussie Footballer Robbie Gray Liquefied His Knee

4/21/2012 - Saturday Open Thread Smorgasbord

4/21/2012 - NHL Suspends Raffi Torres 25 Games For Hit On Marian Hossa

4/21/2012 - New York Post Front Page Kicks Nonsensical Ass

4/21/2012 - Philly Fan Does Most Philly Fan Thing Ever After Last Night's Flyers Loss

4/21/2012 - Welsh Rugby Out To Kill All Kinds Of Popes, Not Just The Catholic Ones

4/21/2012 - These Brewers Fans Are Especially Concerned About What's On Tap

4/21/2012 - Amar'e Stoudemire Returns, Knicks Flunk Chemistry

4/20/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Listen Up

4/20/2012 - Roy Hibbert Says The Pacers Are The NBA's "Best-Kept Secret"

4/20/2012 - The Official Deadspin Youth T-Ball League Held Its First Practice, Made Dirt Piles

4/20/2012 - Dead Letters: "Deadspin Will Be Down The Shitter In Three Years"

4/20/2012 - "I Always Told Her I Would Take Her For A Ride": Notes From Bobby Petrino's Meeting With Arkansas Before They Fired Him

4/20/2012 - The Sacramento Kings Are Now So Desperate That They're Marketing To Old Stoners

4/20/2012 - LOL OMG NHL: Hockey Goes After The BuzzFeed Generation

4/20/2012 - Unpopular Sport Forms "Strategic Promotional Alliance" With Band That Sucks

4/20/2012 - McCarve'd Up: Your Weekly Look At The Stupidest Things Tim McCarver Said During Saturday's Game

4/20/2012 - It's Hell Becoming A Comfortable And Wealthy Old Filmmaker

4/20/2012 - Pedro Martinez And Kevin Millar Delivered A Boozy, Awkward Toast To Fenway Before Today's Game

4/20/2012 - Posting A Facebook Photo From The London Olympics Could Land You In Court

4/20/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Tom Hallion

4/20/2012 - The Charlotte Bobcats Can't Even Beat The Spread

4/20/2012 - Derek Jeter Is Still Trying To Sell His Apartment (Now $2 Million Cheaper!)

4/20/2012 - Czech Women Will Use You As A Bodyguard

4/20/2012 - Oregon Father And Son Build 1/3-Scale Fenway Park Replica On Their Farm

4/20/2012 - For Just $34.99 Plus Tax Plus Shipping And Handling, This Plain White Cap Can Be Yours

4/20/2012 - The Suns Shut Down And Beat Up Blake Griffin

4/20/2012 - Who Needs Magic/Bird? This Is What A Real Basketball Musical Looks Like

4/20/2012 - A Frozen Clock Was Nearly Disastrous In The Caps-Bruins Game

4/20/2012 - College Newspaper Captures Euphoria Of Historic Upset With Headline Alluding To Masturbation

4/20/2012 - NFL Moneyball: The Math Says To Draft Players With Criminal Records

4/20/2012 - Michael Bourn Holds Up The Game With A Bathroom Break

4/20/2012 - Clearly, Steroids Are Still A Problem In Major League Baseball

4/20/2012 - First "Franchise" Footage Shows Ozzie Guillen Getting Suspended

4/20/2012 - Report: Billy Hunter Moves To Push Derek Fisher Out As Union President

4/19/2012 - Don't Dare Mention J.P. Arencibia's Insanely Low Batting Average

4/19/2012 - Sports-Loving President Forces Ice Hockey On His Poor Desert Nation

4/19/2012 - Somebody On The Heat Bench Farted Tonight

4/19/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Sunset Riding

4/19/2012 - How Did Mike and Mike Land That Bo Ryan Interview? "Dogged Leg Work"

4/19/2012 - Bobby Petrino Claimed He Started Seeing Jessica Dorrell In October, Ended Things In February

4/19/2012 - Diamondbacks Fan Catches Foul Ball, Does Not Drop Pizza

4/19/2012 - Glory Days: A Steal And A Layup At The Buzzer To Win The Conference Title

4/19/2012 - NHL Disciplinary Math Update

4/19/2012 - The PR Guy From Some Ultimate Frisbee Team Knows You Saw Their Brief Highlight Clip That One Time

4/19/2012 - Jamie Moyer Has Faced 8.9 Percent Of All MLB Hitters Ever

4/19/2012 - Another Fan's Been Caught Running Onto The Field Of A Major League Game, Except This One's A Little Kid

4/19/2012 - Britain's Grand National Is The World's Most-Watched Horse Slaughter

4/19/2012 - Baby Ducks: The Forgotten Victims Of The NHL Playoffs

4/19/2012 - Soccer Is Not Like Sex

4/19/2012 - The Lucky One and Think Like a Man: Hollywood Wants You to Have a Terrible Love Life

4/19/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Wally Bell

4/19/2012 - Memphis Coach's Explanation For NCAA Violation: "My Wife Was Yelling At Me"

4/19/2012 - Report: Dwight Howard Called Magic Owner During A Game To Tell Him He Won't Play For Stan Van Gundy

4/19/2012 - Rogue Band Of Divers Arrested For Stealing Thousands Of Sunken Golf Balls

4/19/2012 - Lou Williams Tries To Sit, Andre Iguodala Yanks His Seat

4/19/2012 - Oh Look, Robert Griffin III Has "Character Issues"

4/19/2012 - Ozzie Guillen Has More Praise For Some Guy Named Castro, According To ESPN

4/19/2012 - Carmelo Anthony Has A Big Painting Of Carmelo Anthony In His Living Room

4/19/2012 - Prince Fielder Steals A Base, Doesn't Need Oxygen Afterward, Maybe

4/19/2012 - MLB Pitcher Suspensions: Embarrassing, Or Just Useless?

4/19/2012 - Lucha Libre Cubs Fan Hasn't Won Campeonato Consejo Mundial Since 1908

4/18/2012 - Wayne Gretzky's Dad Thinks Fighting In Hockey Is "Stupid"

4/18/2012 - Blazers Owner Composes Rage Comic Equating Local Columnist With Big-Eared Octopus

4/18/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: What She Wants

4/18/2012 - Reports: Ivan Rodriguez To Retire

4/18/2012 - 76ers CEO Invites Fans To Be "Our Twitter GM," Uses Poor Grammar

4/18/2012 - Jabar Gaffney Thinks The Redskins Want To Trade Him Because Of His Twitter Rant

4/18/2012 - Jared Allen Wonders Why The NFL Isn't Trying To Make Football Safer For Defensive Players

4/18/2012 - Dope Scandal: Why Is ESPN's Drugs-In-College-Football Story So Stupid?

4/18/2012 - Barcelona Broke Down At Just The Right Times To Let Chelsea Escape With A 1-0 Champions League Win

4/18/2012 - Illinois Man Arrested After He Accuses Blackhawks And Cubs Executives Of Stealing His Ideas To Win Championships

4/18/2012 - Chris Young's Hustle Earns Him A DL Trip

4/18/2012 - In Defense Of The Steelers' Throwback Uniforms

4/18/2012 - Breaking Down The Athletes Of The Time 100

4/18/2012 - The Dark Knight Rises, And So Do Our Trousers: The Grierson & Leitch Summer Movie Preview

4/18/2012 - Your Better-Late-Than-Never Chelsea-Barcelona Champions League Semifinal Open Thread

4/18/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Larry Vanover

4/18/2012 - This Is Why You Should Not Run Onto A Rugby Pitch Dressed As Goldilocks

4/18/2012 - There Are Already Lots Of Empty Seats At Marlins Games

4/18/2012 - LeBron And Jay-Z Have A Secret Handshake

4/18/2012 - "Hell Is Other People's Fantasy Teams": Do Fantasy Sports Alienate Us?

4/18/2012 - How To Earn A One-Game Suspension In The NHL Playoffs

4/18/2012 - Tony Parker's Crossover Of Ramon Sessions Is So Good, Sessions's Teammate Applauds

4/18/2012 - Kentucky Declares For NBA Draft

4/18/2012 - Davey Johnson Is Perplexed And Unmoved By Press Conference Fire Alarm

4/18/2012 - Miami TV Station Congratulates The Florida International University Panthers On Their Stanley Cup Playoff Win

4/18/2012 - An All-Star Hollywood Cast Pays Tribute To The 2005 Chicago White Sox

4/17/2012 - Jamie Moyer Becomes Oldest Pitcher In Baseball History To Win A Game

4/17/2012 - Philadelphia Daily News Puts 'The Cowardly Penguin' On Its Cover

4/17/2012 - Meet The Man Who Tried Out To Be A Denver Broncos Cheerleader

4/17/2012 - Marian Hossa Was Stretchered Off The Ice After This Brutal Hit From Raffi Torres [UPDATE]

4/17/2012 - Your Football Team Will Win 11, Maybe 12 Games Next Season (Deadspin Classic)

4/17/2012 - When A $125 Loan Denial Results In Wielded Knives: A Witness's Account

4/17/2012 - Jessica Dorrell Has Resigned, Will Receive $14K From University

4/17/2012 - Isaac Redman Appears Nonplussed With The Steelers' New Retro Uniforms

4/17/2012 - Clemens Lawyers, Prosecutors Caught Discussing Trial Strategy Over Hot Mic

4/17/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Ramble On, Levon

4/17/2012 - Oh, Why Not? Here's Rob Gronkowski Dancing And Singing Along To LMFAO

4/17/2012 - Kobe Bryant Has Some Very Telling Thoughts On How To Achieve World Peace

4/17/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Jerry Layne

4/17/2012 - Is It Time To Forgive Mel Gibson?

4/17/2012 - Twenty Citizens' Worth Of Blood Flowed Through Him: A Medic Confronts The Open Wounds Of Afghanistan

4/17/2012 - Was Bob Huggins Drunk At A Coaching Clinic The Other Day?

4/17/2012 - Commenting Changes Are Coming Soon; Don't Be As Petulant As These Gawker Commenters, OK?

4/17/2012 - Finance Guy Keeps Incredibly Detailed, Incredibly Creepy Spreadsheet Of His Match.com Prospects

4/17/2012 - The Eternal Question: Can You Get A Boner From A Girl With A Great Body And Ronaldinho's Face?

4/17/2012 - Which Celebrity Would Be The Best To Eat?

4/17/2012 - Concussions, Memory Loss, Early Death: One NFL Player Says "It's Totally Worth It."

4/17/2012 - How Jerry Sandusky's Book, Touched, Led Investigators To Other Possible Victims

4/17/2012 - Karl Alzner Calls Milan Lucic A Crybaby. Lucic's Teammate Says He Was "An Angry Baby."

4/17/2012 - How A Career Ends: Mike Marshall, Ph.D., The Outcast Screwballer Turned Outcast Pitching Coach

4/17/2012 - Todd Bertuzzi, Ping Pong Enforcer [UPDATE]

4/17/2012 - Rick Ankiel Threw A Strike From Center Field

4/17/2012 - Boston Paper Already Declares Red Sox Clubhouse Mutiny

4/17/2012 - Here's The Only Woman In New York Unimpressed By Derek Jeter

4/16/2012 - Delonte West Earned A Technical Foul For Giving Gordon Hayward A Wet Willie

4/16/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Keep Cool

4/16/2012 - As A Thank-You For Luring Peyton Manning, The Broncos Sign Brandon Stokley

4/16/2012 - Hey, It's Jake Peavy Partying At A Bar In Wrigleyville

4/16/2012 - Palm Beach High School Baseball Player Suspended For Soaking Visiting Dugout In Urine Before Crosstown Rivals Arrived

4/16/2012 - 24-Year-Old Sara Ganim Won The Pulitzer Prize For Her Coverage Of The Penn State Scandal

4/16/2012 - Is There A Young Lefty Starter In MLB Who Hasn't Gotten An Extension?

4/16/2012 - Carlos Boozer Says Bulls Are Better Than Last Year (No Thanks To Carlos Boozer)

4/16/2012 - The Mets' Regrets: Will You Start Loving Citi Field If It Gets Uglier?

4/16/2012 - Alison Melder, Through Lawyer, Denies Affair With Bobby Petrino

4/16/2012 - NBA.com's Power Rankings Say All You Need To Know About The Charlotte Bobcats

4/16/2012 - The Red Sox Game Ended With A Magical Elastic Strike Zone

4/16/2012 - Scenes From An Execution: Here's All 17 Goals Marc-Andre Fleury's Allowed To The Flyers This Series

4/16/2012 - Bristolmetrics: Fidel Castro Received As Many Mentions On SportsCenter As Kobe Bryant

4/16/2012 - Can Anyone Stop The Los Angeles Kings?

4/16/2012 - New Orleans Gets The NBA All-Star Game, Again

4/16/2012 - Hulk Hogan, Everybody's Cheerleader

4/16/2012 - On NHL Suspensions And Eggshell Skulls

4/16/2012 - Tyler Clippard Tries To Deliver A Pitch, Falls

4/16/2012 - There Was A Clown In Courtside Seats At MSG Yesterday, And For Once It Wasn't Donald Trump

4/16/2012 - Bobby Valentine Is Now Openly Antagonizing Kevin Youkilis

4/15/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Change Face

4/15/2012 - Rick Pitino's Son To Take Over For Isiah Thomas At FIU

4/15/2012 - Brian Bosworth Was Probably A Shitty Landlord

4/15/2012 - Inside The Mind Of NBC's Pervy Cameraman: "BOOBS!"

4/15/2012 - Here's A Quick Recap Of The First Period Between The Flyers And Penguins

4/15/2012 - Anonymous Florida Couple Pays $100,000 For A Day With Tim Tebow

4/15/2012 - James Jones Flopped, And It Sent Jeff Van Gundy On An Apoplectic Rant

4/15/2012 - The Cardinals Put The Rally Squirrel On Their World Series Rings

4/15/2012 - The Marlins Finally Hit A Home Run In Miami, And So We Got To See Their "Sculpture" In Action

4/15/2012 - Your Sunday Afternoon Open Thread Smorgasbord

4/15/2012 - Did Branch Rickey Sell Out Jackie Robinson?

4/15/2012 - Ian Eagle Had A Whiny Meltdown Last Night, Accused Partner Mike Fratello Of Being "Patronizing"

4/15/2012 - Today In Jose Canseco Tweets As Motivational Posters: The Duality Of Life

4/15/2012 - Bearded Batman Drinks Heineken, Probably Does Not Fight Crime

4/15/2012 - Lindsey Vonn Forgot To Pay Her Taxes

4/15/2012 - The NHL Had A Good Day Yesterday

4/14/2012 - Andrew Shaw Earned A Game Misconduct After Leveling Phoenix Goalie Mike Smith With This Headshot

4/14/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: So Alive

4/14/2012 - Jurors In Original Clemens Case Thought Retrial Would Be A Waste Of Taxpayer Money

4/14/2012 - Jacoby Ellsbury Placed On Disabled List After Dislocating His Shoulder Yesterday

4/14/2012 - Larry Brown Is Interviewing (Not Politicking) For A Job With SMU

4/14/2012 - This Young Pens Fan Brought Her Teddy Bear To Last Night's Game. The Bear's Name? "Miller Lite."

4/14/2012 - Warren Sapp Claims He Filed For Bankruptcy To Avoid Going To Jail

4/14/2012 - High Schoolers Hit Holes-In-One On The Same Hole Within Minutes Of Each Other Thanks To The Cart Path Bounce

4/14/2012 - Just For Yu: Your Saturday MLB Open Thread

4/14/2012 - Free Willy 2 Features An Unexpected Co-Star: The Week In Unintentional Dong Submissions

4/14/2012 - Dwight Howard Out With A Herniated Disc, Now Has More Time To Fire Stan Van Gundy

4/14/2012 - Italian Soccer Player Dies After Collapsing On The Pitch

4/14/2012 - History Lesson: The Time Matt Millen Punched The Patriots' General Manager In The Head

4/14/2012 - Bryan Stow And His Son Participate In Ceremonial First Pitch At San Francisco Giants Home Opener

4/14/2012 - This Resizing Of The Batter's Box Sponsored By The Three Stooges

4/14/2012 - The Flyers Beat The Penguins 8-5 On Friday The 13th And Yes, Jaromir Jagr, Crazy Stuff Does Happen On That Day

4/13/2012 - There's A New Dunk Of The Year Candidate, And It's This Durant-To-Westbrook Alley-Oop

4/13/2012 - Josh Thole Fell For The Old "Tell The Runner It Was A Foul Ball" Trick

4/13/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: It's Getting Balmy Out There

4/13/2012 - Introducing The Official Deadspin Youth T-Ball League

4/13/2012 - Dead Letters: In Which Two People Write Us Hoping To Reach Butterbean

4/13/2012 - Let's Watch David West Send The Cavs' Mascot To The Hospital By Punching The Shit Out Of Him

4/13/2012 - Kelly Shoppach Earned His First Stolen Base With A Very Weird Slide Into Second

4/13/2012 - C.J. Wilson Says The Rangers Wasted His Time

4/13/2012 - London Olympics Invite Keith Moon, Dead For 34 Years, To Play Closing Ceremony

4/13/2012 - This Is How Angry People Get When A Radio Station Pretends To Hire Jim Rome

4/13/2012 - Raise A Pint For The Short, Fat, Drunk, And Dead Darts Legend Jocky Wilson

4/13/2012 - In Praise Of Stupid Laughs. The Three Stooges, Reviewed.

4/13/2012 - ESPN Is Shuttering Page 2

4/13/2012 - One Of Bernie Fine's Accusers Says More About His Made-Up Allegation; ESPN's Mark Schwarz Looks Even Worse Now

4/13/2012 - The San Francisco Giants Are Selling Their Old, Game-Used Stuff

4/13/2012 - Man Charged With "Felony Secret Peeping" For Hiding Camera In Minor League Locker Room

4/13/2012 - Play the Free Draftstreet Baseball Contest Tonight and Win Up To $500

4/13/2012 - What Is The CIA Hiding About The Missing DA Who Didn't Prosecute Jerry Sandusky In 1998? (Probably Nothing.)

4/13/2012 - You Can't Stop Kevin Durant, But You Can Force Him To His Right

4/13/2012 - Blake Griffin Can't Dunk When There's No One In His Way

4/13/2012 - Boston Fans, Boston Arena Conspire To Bludgeon Boston Bruin

4/13/2012 - 10-Foot Alligator Makes For One Heck Of A Water Hazard

4/13/2012 - Rob Gronkowski Plays "Fuck, Marry, Kill" For Rex Ryan, Betty White, And Tim Tebow

4/13/2012 - This Texas Rangers Fan Can Do Amazing Things With Her Mouth

4/12/2012 - Baseball's Unwritten Rules, Uncovered After 26 Years

4/12/2012 - Martin Havlat Gave The Sharks A Game One Win With This Double-Overtime Goal

4/12/2012 - The Unstoppable Frisbee Trick Shot Menace Has Finally Reached Quebec

4/12/2012 - Bay Area Sports Radio Legend Fired For No Apparent Reason

4/12/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Shake It

4/12/2012 - If You've Ever Had Drunken Love Go Horribly Awry, Please Send Us Your Stories

4/12/2012 - John Calipari Received The Key To The City, And The Plaque Has Typos In The Words "The" And "Its"

4/12/2012 - Here's Something Nice About Bobby Petrino That We Learned From His Phone Records

4/12/2012 - German Soccer Trolling Is The Best Trolling

4/12/2012 - Jabar Gaffney Is Having A Twitter Meltdown Over His Soon-To-Be Ex-Wife And A Former Teammate Who's Also His Cousin [UPDATE]

4/12/2012 - Remember When Gilbert Arenas And Javaris Crittenton Threatened To Shoot Each Other? JaVale McGee Started It.

4/12/2012 - When Serious Actors Become Action Stars: A Guide

4/12/2012 - Glory Days: A Buzzer-Beater In 1.9 Seconds, Just Like We Drew It Up

4/12/2012 - Charles Barkley Warns The NBA Could Rig The Lottery To Give The Nets Anthony Davis

4/12/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Marty Foster

4/12/2012 - Josh Hamilton Launched His Bat Into The Stands, And A Fan Caught It On The Fly

4/12/2012 - Report: Fired Penn State President Now Working On National Security Project

4/12/2012 - JaVale McGee Sent Kevin Love To The Hospital With A Concussion

4/12/2012 - Pain Is A Gift, And Other Notes From A Terrified Father During A Seven-Week-Premature Birth

4/12/2012 - Shea Weber Avoids Suspension, Will Pay $2,500 Fine For Bashing Henrik Zetterberg's Head Into The Boards

4/12/2012 - Over Two-Month Period, Bobby Petrino Exchanged 200 Messages With Former "Miss Motorcycle Mania" Bikini Model

4/12/2012 - Gilbert Arenas (Sort Of) Sets The Record Straight On Shoe-Pooping

4/12/2012 - A Guide For Sports Fans (And Would-Be Plutocrats) To Doing Your Taxes

4/12/2012 - 10 Years Of Newspapers Declaring That Mariano Rivera Is Too Old

4/12/2012 - The Cavaliers' Mascot Had To Go To The Hospital Because David West Punched Him In The Eye

4/12/2012 - The Baltimore Sun's Entire Predators-Red Wings Recap: "Type Here"

4/12/2012 - They Learn The Art Of Trolling At A Young Age In Vancouver

4/12/2012 - You Know, Ekpe Udoh Has Finally Had Enough Of This Jeremy Lin Fella

4/11/2012 - Andrew Bynum On Pulling Down 30 Boards: "I Shot The Ball Like Shit, Man"

4/11/2012 - Shea Weber Celebrated Winning Game One Of The Stanley Cup Playoffs By Assaulting Henrik Zetterberg

4/11/2012 - Peter Bourjos Has Our First Inside-The-Park Homer Of The Season

4/11/2012 - Nerlens Noel Will Play For Kentucky After Shaving Its Logo Into His Hair

4/11/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Go Hard Or Go Home

4/11/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Todd Tichenor

4/11/2012 - Vin Scully Still Has A Cold

4/11/2012 - Bobby Petrino Was Texting Greg Brohm Right Before The Crash

4/11/2012 - Flyers Defenseman Says He Hid His Concussion To Keep His Job

4/11/2012 - A Reporter Got Fired For Announcing His New Job In An NBA-Style Press Release

4/11/2012 - Here Are Bobby Petrino's Phone Records

4/11/2012 - The Real-Life Jerry Maguire Is A Broke Recovering Alcoholic

4/11/2012 - Two Blonde Blow-Up Dolls Got Motorcycle Rides On The Arkansas Campus Today

4/11/2012 - A Guy From My First-Period Class In High School Is Coming To Save The New York Rangers

4/11/2012 - Ronaldo's Free Kick Goal Was So Good GOLTV's Ray Hudson Could Only Describe It Using Sexual Terminology [UPDATE]

4/11/2012 - It Looks Like MetLife Stadium Is On Fire, But It's Not

4/11/2012 - Just Three More Months Until The Dark Knight Rises, Folks

4/11/2012 - 5 Important Contracts Set To Expire At ESPN (Or, Why Michelle Beadle Is Probably Done In Bristol)

4/11/2012 - 3 Things To Watch For On The First Night Of The Stanley Cup Playoffs, Which Is Tonight, I Think

4/11/2012 - A Prayer For Jacques Plante's Busted Schnoz

4/11/2012 - Tony Romo Spawned

4/11/2012 - Rex Ryan Is The Only Person In The World Who Doesn't Want The Jets To Do Hard Knocks Again

4/11/2012 - Jerry Sandusky Is Using His Charity's Insurance To Pay For His Defense

4/11/2012 - Mark Reynolds Is The Worst Third Baseman In Baseball

4/11/2012 - Soccer Player Takes Photo With Adorable Child—And Playboy Magazine He Just Bought

4/11/2012 - Vince Carter Airballed A Finger-Roll Last Night

4/11/2012 - Is There Anything Sadder Than A Draft Lottery Party When You Don't Get The First Pick?

4/11/2012 - Why Yes, This Human-Chicken-Squid Hybrid Is A Cubs Fan

4/11/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Bill Welke

4/10/2012 - Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic Will Play Madrid's 85,000-Seat Soccer Stadium

4/10/2012 - Bobby Petrino Issues Apology: "I Have No One To Blame But Myself"

4/10/2012 - The Blue Jays' Attempt To Stop Opening Day Fights Through Alcohol Restrictions Didn't Work

4/10/2012 - A Fight In Ibiza Involving People From The Future And/Or Space, Analyzed For Us By A Pro Wrestler

4/10/2012 - Arkansas AD Jeff Long Nearly Brought To Tears While Reading Moving Statement About Petrino's Firing

4/10/2012 - Ukranian Wins Glorious North Korean Marathon In Photo Finish

4/10/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Blast Away

4/10/2012 - Arkansas Has Fired Bobby Petrino [UPDATE]

4/10/2012 - NHL Ministry Of Truth: John Tortorella Was Fined For Cursing, Not For Calling Out "Whining" Penguins

4/10/2012 - Mayor Cory Booker And The New Jersey Devils Are Having The Most New Jersey Feud Ever

4/10/2012 - Bubba Watson Is "Just Going To Be Bubba" And Keep Playing "Bubba Golf"

4/10/2012 - L.A. Firefighter Arrested For Moonlighting As MMA Brawler While Allegedly On Workman's Comp

4/10/2012 - Today In Cool Basketball Photos

4/10/2012 - Science: Sun And Wind Probably Did Not Cause Bobby Petrino's Motorcycle Crash

4/10/2012 - Hockey's Frozen Four In Tampa: Where America Came To Thaw Out Its Frigid Heart (And Wear Shorts Outside)

4/10/2012 - Don't Buy These Untested Products Promising "Concussion Relief In A Bottle"

4/10/2012 - Vin Scully Has A Cold

4/10/2012 - Will ESPN Walk Away From Rick Reilly And His $3 Million Contract? Probably, Source Says

4/10/2012 - Lucky Gore: WWE Wins With A Real Punch And Accidental Blood

4/10/2012 - Pepe Dives, Announcers Laugh

4/10/2012 - Do You Like Self-Conscious Scary Movies? The Cabin In The Woods, Reviewed.

4/10/2012 - Metta World Peace Nearly Threw Away A Win With This Terrible Inbound Pass Against The Hornets

4/10/2012 - Stephon Marbury Is Getting A Statue In China

4/10/2012 - Jalen Rose Called Out Skip Bayless's High School Hoops Fantasy And Bayless Confessed

4/10/2012 - Guys Who Spent $2 Billion On The Dodgers Do Not Have $2 Billion

4/10/2012 - Maple Leafs Ownership Apologizes To Fans For Yet Another Shitty Season

4/10/2012 - Arkansas Students Held A Pro-Bobby Petrino Rally And Made Some Amazing Signs

4/10/2012 - Ozzie Guillen Suspended For Comments On Fidel Castro

4/10/2012 - Jose Maria Olazabal Was Pulled Over Doing 97 MPH After Leaving The Masters

4/10/2012 - Vladimir Guerrero Is Wanted By Police In The Dominican Republic For Allegedly Starting A Brawl At A Club [UPDATED]

4/10/2012 - Spectator Arrested For Trying To Take A Cup Of Masters Sand

4/10/2012 - When It Comes To Sexually Suggestive T-Shirts, Blue Jays Fans Go The Extra Kilometre

4/9/2012 - Here's A Rangers Fan Doing The Sprinkler After Catching A Josh Hamilton Home Run Ball

4/9/2012 - Perhaps The Red Sox Are Struggling Because David Ortiz Is Attempting To Steal Bases

4/9/2012 - TV People Have Mispronounced Louis Oosthuizen's Name At Least 20 Different Ways In The Past 24 Hours

4/9/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Pass Over

4/9/2012 - Your Last-Minute Guide To Yu Darvish

4/9/2012 - Bobby Petrino Kept Jessica Dorrell A Secret As Long As Possible: More Crash Details Emerge

4/9/2012 - Three Fat Ex-Packers Linemen Have A Wine Label Called "Three Fat Guys"

4/9/2012 - It Will Be Hard, But Not Impossible, To Get Drunk At The Blue Jays' Home Opener

4/9/2012 - Here's How Four Broadcast Teams Described The Orioles Streaker On Friday

4/9/2012 - Barack Obama Has Lost His Shooting Touch

4/9/2012 - This Rare Photo, Up For Auction, Was Stolen From The Baseball Hall Of Fame

4/9/2012 - Some Guy With A Book To Sell Says He Has Proof O.J. Is Innocent

4/9/2012 - Bristolmetrics: Brittney Griner Got More Mentions On SportsCenter Than Any Kentucky Wildcat

4/9/2012 - Report: Basketball Hero Skip Bayless Actually Averaged 1.4 Points Per Game As A High School Senior

4/9/2012 - Baylor Hoops Teams Were Really Big On The Illegal Text Messages

4/9/2012 - Sandusky Judge Issues Gag Order; Lawyerin' Joe Amendola Will Have To Keep His Lawyerin' At A Dull Roar

4/9/2012 - Antoine Walker Is Retiring After Two Seasons With The Idaho Stampede

4/9/2012 - Mario Balotelli Won't Be Doing Things On A Soccer Pitch For Awhile After A Shameful Sunday Display

4/9/2012 - Rob Gronkowski Filmed Himself Spiking A Megatron Doll In His House

4/9/2012 - Augusta National's Gallery Reacted Beautifully To Bubba Watson's Missed Putt In Sudden Death

4/9/2012 - The Marlins Have Become The (Original) Kings Of Comedy

4/9/2012 - Carmelo Anthony And The Promise Of Hero Ball

4/9/2012 - Here's What $78 Worth Of Hot Dogs Looks Like

4/8/2012 - Mr. McFeely Terrorizes Children With A Purple Panda

4/8/2012 - PGA's Young Golfers Form Parody Boy Band, Sing And Rap Horribly, We All Die A Little Inside

4/8/2012 - A Man Named Bubba Is Masters Champion Thanks To This Phenomenal Shot From The Parking Lot

4/8/2012 - The New Season Has Its First Walkoff Homer, And It Capped Off A Classic Red Sox Meltdown

4/8/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: In A Heartbeat

4/8/2012 - Tim Tebow's Sermon On The Hill

4/8/2012 - A Tradition Just Like All The Others: Your Masters Final Round Open Thread

4/8/2012 - Louis Oosthuizen Hit The Fourth Albatross In Masters History At The Most Opportune Time

4/8/2012 - Someone Should Just Blow Up The Orlando Magic At This Point

4/8/2012 - Bo Van Pelt Tied The Masters Sunday Round Record Of 64 Thanks To This Hole-In-One

4/8/2012 - Two Games In And The Boston Red Sox Are Being Compared To The Titanic

4/8/2012 - Today In Jose Canseco Tweets As Motivational Posters: Live As If You'll Die Tomorrow

4/8/2012 - Spend This Easter Sunday With Tim Tebow, A Supreme Court Justice's Cousin And A Cocaine Businessman

4/8/2012 - Derek Holland's Hairstyle This Season Is Simply Absurd

4/8/2012 - Ozzie Guillen Said Something Crazy About Fidel Castro

4/7/2012 - JaVale McGee In 60 Seconds Goaltends, Misses A Dunk, Falls Down, And Has A Shot Blocked Into His Face

4/7/2012 - Boston College Is Your NCAA Hockey Champion, Though This Fan Passed Out Before The Game Was Over

4/7/2012 - Peanuts, Cracker Jack, And Chaw: This Young Rangers Fan Is A Spitting Image Of Dad [UPDATE]

4/7/2012 - Bobby Petrino Investigation To Continue Through Weekend, Jessica Dorrell "In Safe Mode"

4/7/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: The New Fool In Town

4/7/2012 - Kanye West Claims He Could Have Jay-Z Drop Kris Humphries From The Nets In New Song "Theraflu" [NSFW]

4/7/2012 - The New York Mets Remain Undefeated

4/7/2012 - Nolan Ryan And Robin Ventura Exchanged Pleasantries Yesterday

4/7/2012 - A Tradition Just Like All The Others: Your Masters Round 3 Open Thread

4/7/2012 - A Boat Race Between Oxford And Cambridge Was Interrupted By A Swimmer

4/7/2012 - You May Fire When Ready: The Week In Unintentional Dong Submissions

4/7/2012 - Tiger Woods: The Inexplicable Underdog

4/7/2012 - Today In Jose Canseco Tweets As Motivational Posters: Teamwork

4/7/2012 - Sports Radio Personality Sid Rosenberg Arrested For DUI After Cops Found Him In The Fetal Position Covered In His Own Vomit

4/7/2012 - Amateur Motorcyclist, World Class Adulterer And Asshole: Bobby Petrino's Greatest Hits

4/7/2012 - How The Masters Theme Song Came To Be: An Interview With The Third Cousin Of Kenny Loggins

4/6/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Just Go

4/6/2012 - Camden Yards Streaker Was Clad In Undies And A Cape [Update: It May Have Been Batman]

4/6/2012 - Warren Sapp Is Broke

4/6/2012 - Demetress Bell Happily Lists The Teams He Wanted To Go To Before Philly

4/6/2012 - An Oral History Of Oddibe McDowell's Water Bill

4/6/2012 - Gregg Williams Is Essentially The Evil Sensei From The Karate Kid

4/6/2012 - Your '90s High School Movie Cast Power Rankings

4/6/2012 - Mario Balotelli Does Things (Including Wayne Rooney's Prostitute)

4/6/2012 - "Motherfuckin' Shit! Take Your Ass Home!" Or, Why The Baltimore Orioles Matter

4/6/2012 - FIU Survives The Isiah Thomas Era

4/6/2012 - The Restorative Power Of The Chick-Fil-A Banana Pudding Milkshake

4/6/2012 - Augusta Has Become Impossible Over The Years: A Pretty Graphic Explaining The Design Changes

4/6/2012 - Swansea Played The Prettiest Soccer Game Of The Year (And Lost)

4/6/2012 - Cockblocked By The SDSU Aztec!

4/6/2012 - Amateur Hour For Drunks: A Dispatch From Opening Day In America

4/6/2012 - Rory McIlroy Drops Ball, Injures His Own, Amuses Golf Channel Commentators

4/6/2012 - Dead Letters: "If Melo Hates Jews, OK, That's His Choice"

4/6/2012 - Here Is A Photo Of Rob Gronkowski Lying On A Bed With Some Cats

4/6/2012 - 0% Of Cubs Fans Polled Expect Their Team To Make The Playoffs

4/6/2012 - The Wonderlic Test Proves The NFL Is Stupid

4/6/2012 - Pirates Fan Sleeps His Way Through Opening Day

4/6/2012 - John Tortorella Is Pissed Off At Pittsburgh And "Their Two Whining Stars"

4/6/2012 - This Is What Happens When You Accuse A Notre Dame Football Player Of Sexually Assaulting You

4/6/2012 - Jeffrey Loria Had A Marlins Park Cake With Swarovski Crystals And A Working Retractable Roof

4/6/2012 - Of All The Signs Baseball Season Has Arrived, This Is The Best Damn One

4/6/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Brian Gorman

4/5/2012 - Bobby Petrino Admits Having "Inappropriate Relationship," Placed On Paid Administrative Leave

4/5/2012 - Steve Buscemi Is Producing A Documentary On An Indiana High School Basketball Team

4/5/2012 - NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman Has Taken His Talents To Bulgaria

4/5/2012 - Dodgers Owner Magic Johnson Is Not Thrilled About His Opening Day Seats

4/5/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Safe At Home

4/5/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Jeff Kellogg

4/5/2012 - Luke Donald Was Nearly Disqualified From The Masters Because Someone Didn't Read A Fax Properly

4/5/2012 - In New York, You No Longer Have To Keep Your Dead Racehorse

4/5/2012 - Glory Days: I Went From Fifth To First In The Last Half-Lap To Make States

4/5/2012 - Bobby Petrino Had A 25-Year-Old Former Volleyball Player On His Motorcycle When He Crashed

4/5/2012 - David Stern On The NBA: "Everything Is Absolutely And Unbelievably Good"

4/5/2012 - 20 Years Ago, Hollywood Became Self-Aware; Or, How A Robert Altman Movie Helped Create TMZ

4/5/2012 - Mets Announce Largest Crowd In Citi Field History, Apparently Counting Empty Seats As Fans

4/5/2012 - What Do The Frozen Four And Hepatitis B Have In Common?

4/5/2012 - From The Sports Guy Vault: Bill Simmons Says Tear Down Fenway Park

4/5/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Bruce Dreckman

4/5/2012 - Stan Van Gundy Sets Up Dwight Howard For The Most Awkward Interview Ever

4/5/2012 - Stay Sober Around Gary Bettman

4/5/2012 - Will Kimbrough Welcomes You To Opening Day With A Special Version Of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"

4/5/2012 - It's Your Opening Day Open Thread

4/5/2012 - Deadspin Does Opening Day, Again

4/5/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Brian O'Nora

4/5/2012 - "Kill The Fucking Head": Gregg Williams Told The Saints To Destroy The 49ers' Brains

4/5/2012 - Here's Terry Francona And Bud Selig Arguing Over Who Finished Each Other Off

4/5/2012 - Mets Fans Should Be Proud Of Not Selling Out Opening Day

4/5/2012 - This Howard University Scandal Is Just The Dumbest

4/5/2012 - Rick Telander: Cubs President Theo Epstein Might Walk On Water This Season (Or Something)

4/5/2012 - At Least One Marlins Fan Wasn't Happy Karl Ravech Insulted Their Centerfield Home Run Sculpture

4/5/2012 - Blake Griffin Returned Pau Gasol To A Very Bad Place With Another Posterizing Dunk

4/4/2012 - Blake Griffin Put Pau Gasol In A Very Bad Place With This Vicious Dunk

4/4/2012 - ESPN Cameras Caught Rafael Furcal With His Pants Down

4/4/2012 - Police Draw Guns On Angels Outfielder Torii Hunter Outside His Home (UPDATE)

4/4/2012 - If You're In NYC Tomorrow Night, Come Hear Some Good Writers Read To Welcome Baseball Back

4/4/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Tim Welke

4/4/2012 - The Marlins Opened Their New Stadium In The Saddest, Most Awkward Way Possible

4/4/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Standing O

4/4/2012 - Deadspin Does Opening Day*

4/4/2012 - The Marlins Have Scheduled A Five-Minute Standing Ovation After The First Pitch Tonight

4/4/2012 - 10 Historical Events That Would've Been Completed In The Interval Between MLB's First And Last Opening Days This Year

4/4/2012 - Document Reveals What Joe Paterno Would Have Said About Jerry Sandusky If Given The Chance

4/4/2012 - John Calipari Used To Make A Nets Intern Defend Him By Calling Into New York Talk Radio

4/4/2012 - Bernard Pollard Says The Saints' Bounty Punishment Is Just About The Dumbest Thing Ever

4/4/2012 - Joey Votto's New Contract Is Like A Mortgage-Backed Security

4/4/2012 - Kaká's Long-Range Finesse Strike Was A Work Of Art

4/4/2012 - Shitting While Skydiving: A Physics Experiment

4/4/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Jerry Meals

4/4/2012 - Howard University Suspends Entire Athletic Program [UPDATES]

4/4/2012 - Why Did We Ever Like These Movies? American Reunion, Reviewed.

4/4/2012 - Rain Delay Theater: An All-Mississippi Faceoff

4/4/2012 - Nice Of Marlins Park To Include A Bobblehead Hall Of Nightmares

4/4/2012 - Baltimore Orioles Find A New Way To Lose To The Baltimore Orioles

4/4/2012 - Science! Simulates The Kentucky Wildcats Vs. The Washington Wizards

4/4/2012 - Robert Griffin III Celebrates His Last Winning Moment In A Long Time

4/4/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Bob Davidson

4/4/2012 - Did Anyone Watch Jim Rome's New TV Show Yesterday?

4/4/2012 - Designated Shitters: Help Deadspin Plumb The Secrets Of MLB Restrooms

4/4/2012 - Report: The Vikings Are Trying To Hire Bill Parcells

4/4/2012 - Everyone Trying To Undermine Bobby Valentine

4/4/2012 - Lebanese Basketball Player Has Career Night, Scores 106 Points Above His Season Average

4/4/2012 - What The Astrodome Looks Like After Sitting Untouched And Rotting For A Decade

4/4/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Tim Tschida

4/4/2012 - Martin Kaymer Holed Out His Attempt To Skip Across Augusta's Pond At The 16th Hole

4/4/2012 - Andrew Bynum Is Disgruntled

4/4/2012 - Baylor Assistant Damion McKinney Wore A Tablecloth As A Necktie To The National Championship

4/3/2012 - Josh McRoberts Hit One Of The Weirder Buzzer-Beaters You're Going To See

4/3/2012 - An Ugly High School Baseball Brawl In Which Nobody Looks Good (NSFW)

4/3/2012 - Hurler Outman Injured While Hurling Something Out

4/3/2012 - Donald Driver Allegedly Had To Restrain Jaleel White When Urkel Went Nuts On Dancing With The Stars

4/3/2012 - We Asked A Pro Wrestler To Weigh In On This Ditch Fight With A Big-Time Flying Kick

4/3/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: It's All Begun

4/3/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Phil Cuzzi

4/3/2012 - Pigtailed Four-Year-Old Girl Separates Boy From Soccer Ball By Crashing Into Him

4/3/2012 - Dog Eats Man's Masters Tickets, Man Induces Dog To Puke, Man Pieces Tickets Back Together

4/3/2012 - Annals Of Bullshit: The Myth Of The Myth Of Cal Ripken's Historic Home Run

4/3/2012 - The Ever-Inflating Joe Flacco: "I Think I'm The Best"

4/3/2012 - Update: Alleged Weed-Eating Rabbits Were Not Actually Eating Weed

4/3/2012 - Titanic: The Original Twilight

4/3/2012 - Better Know An Umpire: Dale Scott

4/3/2012 - Brendan Haywood Says NBA Players Are "Fake Tough Guys"

4/3/2012 - Joe DiMaggio's Corpse Has Endorsed A Candidate For Broward County Sheriff

4/3/2012 - Minor League Baseball: The Last Bastion Of Acceptable Exploitation In Professional Sports (Not Counting The NCAA)

4/3/2012 - Jeremy Lin's Favorite Pokemon, And Other Things He Discussed Once The Painkillers Wore Off

4/3/2012 - Here's What Kentucky's Championship Celebration Sounded Like Over The Lexington Police Scanner

4/3/2012 - Marlins Park, Camden Yards, And The End Of The Retro Ballpark

4/3/2012 - 30 Paragraphs About 30 MLB Teams From The Baseball Prospectus Crew

4/3/2012 - That "White Michael Vick" Issue Of ESPN The Magazine Is Up For An Award

4/3/2012 - Craig James Has "Communication Skills," According To Craig James's Campaign

4/3/2012 - The Islanders Have Pretty Much Whitewashed Pat LaFontaine From Their History

4/3/2012 - Taco B.M. Monster Wins Name Of The Year

4/3/2012 - Next Year's NCAA Final Four Will Be Held In Lithuania

4/3/2012 - Commence The Kentucky Fans Shouting Profanities On Live Television

4/3/2012 - Congratulations to NCAA Champions Kentucky, Whose Celebration Scared The Shit Out Of Some Radio Guy

4/2/2012 - The Fray's Pre-NCAA Title Game National Anthem Performance Was ... Different

4/2/2012 - Your NCAA Championship Game Open Thread

4/2/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Imitate This

4/2/2012 - [This Headline Has Been Vacated]

4/2/2012 - Should You Eat Your Marijuana During A Police Stop? A Guide

4/2/2012 - Wilt And Phog, Two Jayhawks Passing In The Night

4/2/2012 - 14-Year-Old Accidentally Kills Man Twice His Size With Wrestling Move

4/2/2012 - Here's A Bunch Of Bros Going Nuts Over The End Of WrestleMania

4/2/2012 - Antonio Valencia's Screwball Goal Was A Work Of Odd Beauty

4/2/2012 - The Maloofs Claim They Are "100 Percent Committed" To Sacramento

4/2/2012 - Russian Soccer Fans Taunt Opponents With Blowjobby Tifo

4/2/2012 - Olympic Gold Medalist Resigns As President Of Hungary For Plagiarizing His Dissertation On The Olympics

4/2/2012 - How A Career Ends: Jeff Sheppard, Kentucky's Great Dunking Guard, Quit Because Of 9/11

4/2/2012 - Knicks Accused Of Hiding Jeremy Lin's Injury To Sell Playoff Tickets

4/2/2012 - Bristolmetrics: Tiger Woods Rules The SportsCenter Leaderboard

4/2/2012 - Jeffrey Loria Is Spectacularly Unlikable

4/2/2012 - How A Career Ends: George Lynch Was Finished Off By Sore Feet

4/2/2012 - The Jets Haven't Said No To Hard Knocks

4/2/2012 - Bruce Pearl’s First Con, And The World That Created A Monster (Deadspin Classic)

4/2/2012 - John Calipari, The First Honest Pimp

4/2/2012 - Ryan Leaf Is In Jail Again, Again

4/2/2012 - What Is The Grantland Book Good For? A Deadspin Investigation

4/2/2012 - Fishing Writer Submits April Fools' Column Without Telling His Editor, Paper Runs It As Fact

4/2/2012 - Russell Westbrook High-Fives Omer Asik As He Dunks Over Him

4/2/2012 - Joe Maddon Wears Short Shorts

4/2/2012 - Ty Lawson's Crossover Dribble Literally Busted Ryan Anderson's Ankle

4/2/2012 - Here Is The Much-Ballyhooed Ubaldo Jimenez Plunking Of Troy Tulowitzki

4/1/2012 - I.K. Kim Just Spun Out A One-Foot Putt For An All But Guaranteed Win In Golf's First Major Of The Season

4/1/2012 - Deadspin Up All Night: Down In New Orleans

4/1/2012 - Ohio State Administrator Tells Students To Support Team Responsibly During Final Four One Day After Elimination By Kansas

4/1/2012 - Wrestlemania Got An Early Start At Today's Penguins-Flyers Game

4/1/2012 - Your Semi-Irregular Update On The Financial Solvency Of Former NBA Stars Turned Train Wrecks

4/1/2012 - Your Sunday NBA Open Thread

4/1/2012 - Bruins Fans Make Clever "Two Minutes For Hooking" Sign That Gets Filthy Photoshop Update

4/1/2012 - Beadle Blitz: SportsNation Producers Make Michelle Beadle Run Around Like An Idiot For April Fool's Prank

4/1/2012 - Body Of Missing Ultrarunner Micah True Found In New Mexico Wildnerness

4/1/2012 - Who's Laughing Now: Johan Santana Named Opening Day Starter For New York Mets

4/1/2012 - Aaron Craft Is Smart, Son Of Coach

4/1/2012 - Despite Scoring Two Goals, Mario Balotelli's Biggest Impact Yesterday Was This Hissy Fit

4/1/2012 - Greek Basketball Fans Set Fire Inside Stadium After Advancing To Euroleague Final Four

4/1/2012 - What The Hell Does "Linsurgery" Even Mean?

4/1/2012 - Holy Shit, This Guy's Fucking Hair Is Ridiculous